First and foremost, thank you so much for waiting, for being patient with me and Ethan while we write, edit, and continue working towards making this blog worthwhile.
Why Have I Not Uploaded Recently?
A lot has happened since we last uploaded, and I felt like I needed to share. I don’t really know if I am entirely ready, but I am going to try. So please bear with me as I explain everything that’s been going on. Before I do, though, I want you and everyone to know that you are not alone, you never are, and never will be, no matter how lonely you feel. No matter what you are going through, someone out there has been in the same or a similar situation. You can get through it, even if it’s hard, if it’s full of unknowns, and sorrow fills your soul, you will be okay! It’s hard, life is hard, it sucks at times, it’s sad, it hurts, it’s painful, but even with all of that, life is also beautiful, filled with blessings, possibilities, and endless joys.
With that… Here is a quick synopsis of the last few months and everything life has thrown at us…
Back in late February, I decided to take a pregnancy test. We had been planning on getting pregnant soon, with the spacing of our girls, and wanting to time the next one around a similar time frame. I thought I saw a line, but it wasn’t strong enough to be confident. I thought I was making it up in my mind, so I thought it was negative and tossed it. Close to a week later, I took another test, and there was a line. It was faint, but visible, and so I took a second one. Again, the line showed up, and I knew it was positive.
Fast forward to week 7 of my pregnancy, which was about 3-4 weeks later from when we found out. We were getting ready for bed one night, and not to be TMI, but I went to the bathroom like normal before bed, and when I pulled my pants down, there was blood… if you don’t want blood details, skip to the next paragraph… it wasn’t just a light spotting, it looked like a full period. So, I panicked. Ethan was right there with me, thankfully, but I didn’t know what to do. It was on a Wednesday night, and my OBGYN wasn’t open at the time of day it was, and so I couldn’t call them. I didn’t know the 24/7 nurse line, and so Ethan called the ER to see what we should do. They said there wasn’t much they could do, but to come in and see. I didn’t want to go in just for them to tell me what I felt I already knew. If I were having a miscarriage, there was nothing they or anyone else could do, given how early I was, especially.
What Did We Do In Such a Stressful Situation?
Ethan suggested I call my parents. We hadn’t told any of our family of the pregnancy yet, and I didn’t want that to be the way they found out, but I didn’t really feel like I had a choice. I called my mom, bawling, shaking, and panicked. I told her I was pregnant and everything that was going on. I asked what I should do. (Here’s a little backstory: my mom had a similar situation happen when she was pregnant with her third pregnancy, so I felt confident she would know what to do/say.) I needed that. I needed her support, her comfort, her reassurance, and love, even if she didn’t know how exactly to help or what exactly was going on. It helped. She told me that she and my dad would come over in the morning to watch our girls while Ethan and I drove to the clinic as soon as they opened, so that’s what we planned to do.
That night, as I was getting into bed, I had a feeling, or a revelation, or whatever you want to call it. But I had this gut and heart feeling that I was pregnant with two babies, one of them didn’t make it. I kind of pushed the thought away and tried to just focus on the thought that bleeding can happen to pregnant women and mean nothing, so we tried not to get our hopes up. It was so hard to try and focus on the hope of everything when I felt like I was failing, like I did something to hurt our baby, like our baby was dying, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That feeling is one I never wish anyone to feel, but unfortunately is very common.
How Did My Parents Help In This Situation?
The next morning, my parents came to watch the girls, Ethan told his boss so he wouldn’t be in trouble for being late to work, and we headed to the OBGYN clinic, to my doctor. We walked in and told them what was going on. I couldn’t keep it together. I was a mess emotionally, and mentally, I am so grateful I had Ethan there to help speak for me, to support me, and to be there with me. Our church friend works there as an ultrasound tech and happened to be working that day. What a blessing that was to have someone we knew to be there and help us figure out what was going on. She tried finding the doctor, but they were busy with other patients, so she said, “Just put her on my schedule,” and she took us back to the ultrasound room.
As you are probably assuming, my heart was pounding, and I was holding my breath, not feeling very hopeful about what was to come. We explained it all again, and the details about how much blood and when it started, if it was still going, etc. When she put the fetal doppler on my lower stomach, she immediately found a baby with a strong heartbeat. What a relief, we could breathe again. The baby was so teeny tiny, but the heartbeat was completely real, strong, and healthy. Then she began looking around my uterus to see what was going on internally. There was a little sack up above the baby that she found. I told her my thoughts I had the night before about it possibly being two and losing one. She said, “That was my first thought when you came in.” She said it could have been another baby, or it could have been a random blood sac. But looking at the ultrasound, it seemed too accurate to be two different sacs. With the position of the two sacs, and the size of it, just seemed to confirm my thought.
How Did I Handle the News?
My relief was imminent, but my sorrow deepened. It could have been just a blood sac, but somewhere deep down, I felt like it wasn’t “just” a blood sac. I don’t know how to describe that feeling, but for some reason, I know that wasn’t a coincidence. I felt that thought the night before, and I know it wasn’t a coincidence that our friend, who is medically trained, thought the same thing. Though there’s no way to officially confirm it with how early on I was, it’s likely I had one miscarriage of a twin pregnancy.
My emotions felt like a rollercoaster. I was happy that one baby was healthy, safe, and growing as it should with a strong heartbeat, but at the same time, I was hurting, mourning, and sad about the baby we lost, the one that could have been, and someday in heaven will be with us. I felt peace because of the knowledge of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but the unknown of why things happen or how it will all work out is difficult to understand. Hope is what I chose to hold onto.
Want to know something interesting? The day before I started bleeding, my ring that I wore on my pointer finger said “hope,” and that day before, I was grabbing a towel out of a drawer, and the ring caught on the drawer and dug into my finger. Interestingly enough, though, my finger started bleeding in the shape of a cross. I don’t know if it was a sign from God telling me to have hope in Christ, for what is to come, or if it was simply just the way the cracks in my finger made the blood flow. Either way, to me it didn’t mean anything until a couple of days later, when I was looking back and wondering if there was something God was trying to tell me. Little did I know that he was taking care of me, giving me signs to trust Him, to have hope, and to never give up, even when life hurts and is hard.
How Am I Doing Now?
Writing this to you now, I am doing well, and my pregnancy has been going okay. I feel better, but still sad, of course, sometimes when I think about it. I think that’s always going to be a thing, though, in this life, and I am learning that it will always be hard and sad, but it’s okay, because I know that baby is being loved and snuggled on by some really amazing family members up in Heaven, and more importantly by Christ. I am almost out of the first trimester, and I could not be more excited to be moving forward out and into the second trimester.
After finding out I was pregnant in the first place, one of my close relatives got diagnosed with cancer again. It’s in a different part of their body than when they have had cancer previously, which does not make it any easier. This family member and their spouse, if mine, mean so much to me; it hurts to hear them both going through this. It makes me sad that this relative has gone through so much in the last few years, and we have been so far away from them.
Another one of my family members has had some falls and health problems as well, and overall, it really makes me wish that I could be with them all, but that’s not reality, or really possible with the craziness of life. Then, on top of that, two of Ethan’s relatives have had some major health complications as well. Needless to say, life is hard, especially when things feel like they happen all at once. I am so grateful I have such a good support system, that my husband is my biggest supporter, my best friend, and my go-to when life gets hard.
I have been watching our baby niece while her parents work during the week, and that’s been a challenge! It’s been mostly difficult with the stress and exhaustion of the first trimester, and her being a baby while having my two toddlers. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s gotten better, and we have found a helpful routine, even when the days feel long.
Overall, it’s been a long few months. It’s felt like a year already within the past five months of this 2026 year. That is why I have been a bit MIA with my blogs and with our social media presence. We have had a lot on our plate, on our minds, and in our hearts. Again, thank you for reading this, for reading all of my blogs, for being patient while we go through this time in our lives, and for continuing to support us. We love you, all of you. We appreciate you, your help, your reading, your sharing, commenting, and reaching out.
“Honesty is not always easy, but it is the path to self-discovery and self-improvement. It requires courage, vulnerability, and a commitment to personal growth.”
McKenna Sanders
The Mom, Wife, Dream Life Blog
I want to hear from you! Fill out the form below!
