The Mom, Wife, Dream Life

Creating goals, in general, often requires more thought than just adding a quick item to your daily to-do list. Though those are considered great goals, they aren’t what I am talking about today. 

How Do We Set Goals in Our Marriage?

Goals as an individual are hard enough to create on my own; creating them with my husband can be easier, but it can also be much harder. As mentioned before, working together is not always the movie scenario where the couple works together to find a solution or create a plan, and they often both have the magical moment where they have the same idea or both place their hands on the map at the same time, and it’s cheesily romantic as their fingers touch. Sometimes that does happen, but it’s on a rare occasion if it does. Most of the time, our goal setting goes something like this:

Ethan: I have a new goal I want to shoot for.

McKenna: Okay! Let’s hear it!

Ethan: I want to study the Gospel of Jesus Christ every night together before we go to bed.

McKenna: I love that goal. Would that be something we can easily fit in with our schedules?

Ethan: Yes, and no, because some days I have to stay later than others, which pushes my other work back into the evenings.

McKenna: That’s true, and I sometimes like to just relax in the evenings with you to spend more time together.

Ethan: Hmm, maybe we can fit it to our schedule that we do know will work?

McKenna: Good plan, what about studying before we start our day?

Ethan: Sometimes I get up earlier, but that shouldn’t be a problem, as we both will be awake and our schedules aren’t filled yet.

McKenna: Let’s plan on that, we can try it out and see how it goes.

Ethan: Okay!

This is not exactly how our goal setting for reading and studying the Gospel went, but it’s pretty similar. Most of the time, we go back and forth about whether our goals are logical, achievable, and help us to progress in life. This is something that takes work, and we often have to revamp our goals and the way we go about accomplishing our goals daily. There are days when we don’t get to study as much as we’d like to, but getting at least some kind of studying together, even if it means just reading a scripture and talking about it, makes all the difference.

What If My Goals Seem Too Big to Accomplish?

Any goal you want to achieve can be adjusted to fit your specific schedule and fit into your life if you want it to. I remember the saying “If they wanted to, they would,” and honestly, I think we could all take this into our own lives and remember that we are fully in control of our own choices and actions. We all get to decide for ourselves if we want or don’t want something. If you wanted to make more friends, but somehow keep finding an excuse to not hang out, not like the person, or you always get too “busy” (that’s in quotations, because we are all “too busy” all the time, but how busy are you really?)Anyway, if you wanted to make more friends, you would. Somehow, you would find the time, or make the time to create those relationships. 

How Can I Incorporate My Priorities into My Life?

It’s the same with setting your values and goals. If family means so much to you, and they are highest on your priority list, then make sure they stay your priority. You cannot expect to have family as your priority, but then choose to put other things before them, such as your phone, your work, your schooling, your social gatherings, your hobbies, etc. If family is your number one priority in life, then make sure they stay at the top where you want them to be. If you wanted to, you would.

With that being said, I know there are instances in life when we have to do things we don’t want to. For example, if you have to work on a call on the weekend, and you don’t want to, but it’s part of the job. That is necessary to keep your job, which overall keeps you providing for your family, which then still keeps your priority on your family. It can work in a roundabout way if that truly is your priority; we just have to learn to see it that way. Most of the time we don’t until later, which can be hard, but next time hopefully it will be easier to see it that way. 

How Often Do We Set Goals?

Setting goals within our marriage happens daily. If I’m being honest, we are always talking about things we want to be doing more of or things we want to be doing better at. There is never a day that has gone by that we don’t talk about a goal we want to accomplish, either that day or in life in general. The steps we take to come together to set goals in our marriage aren’t in any order specifically, but we make sure to cover all bases before setting the goal. Keeping in mind the SMART goals when making goals is very handy and extremely helpful. We always ask ourselves and one another questions to make sure we are both in full understanding of what our goals are and what it will take to accomplish them. They go as follows:

SMART Goals:

• Specific – Be clear, specific, detailed, and meaningful.
• Measurable – Your goal can be tracked to see progress, and when your goal is completed.
• Achievable – Your goal and the steps to get there are realistic, and you have the tools/resources to attain it.
• Relevant – The goal aligns with your values, morals, and life.
• Time-bound – Your goal has a deadline or a date. This helps you stay focused and motivated to move towards your goal.

Questions we make sure to cover:

• Is the goal beneficial to our whole family?
• What do we need to have/do to make sure our goal is completed on both ends?
• Are we going to work separately towards this goal, or together?
• How much accountability should we hold the other person to?
• If we do need to change up our goal, what is a good way to bring it up?
• Will this goal keep us from focusing on each other/our children?
• Would achieving this goal be harmful to me or our family in any way?
• What would I/we gain from completing this goal?
• Is this goal going to be recurring or a one-time goal?

These questions are extremely viable when we are creating and sticking to our goals as a couple. We oftentimes will check in with one another and make sure that we are still both on the same page with our goals. Once created, we will work together to start achieving our goals. Sticking to our goals is way harder than it looks on the outside. I am not good at always sticking to my personal goals, and holding myself and Ethan accountable for sticking to our marriage goals is even harder. It’s easy to shift the blame, but it’s not always easy to admit fault. I could blame myself or Ethan, but to be honest, if the goal is not getting accomplished and we both strived to achieve it, that’s on both of us, not one person specifically. We both desire strongly to achieve greatness together, which is why sticking to it isn’t what’s always expected. 

What Key Questions Should We Ask When Setting Goals?

Sticking to our goals can become effortless and painless if approached with the key questions. Before you go judging your spouse/partner on their efforts towards your marriage and family goals, ask yourself these questions:

1. Does my spouse/partner have a clear understanding of our goal together?

If not, then have that conversation and go back through the steps and questions to make sure you both have a clear understanding of what is asked of both of you.

2. What has my spouse/partner been doing to help accomplish our goal together?

Focus on what they are doing, not what they aren’t. It’s easy to focus on what they aren’t doing, but try to see it from their perspective and see what they have done or are working on to improve and get to that goal.

3. Have you thanked your spouse/partner at all for their willingness to work towards your goals together as a couple?

Showing gratitude towards your significant other is huge! Not only does it tell them that you see them, you see their efforts, and you recognize their hard work, but you are also telling them and showing them that you love them and appreciate that they are willing to grow with you, willing to put in the effort to achieve greatness, and willing to achieve a happy, healthier, and overall more fulfilling relationship with you.

It’s simple. If you don’t have goals or you don’t know where to start with creating goals with your spouse, sit down and have a conversation. Talk about what you want to work on as individuals and as a couple. Start small if you need to, and work your way towards bigger goals. Goals don’t have to be this amazing, flamboyant goal; it can be as simple as reading a book together before bed, making breakfast together, going to bed at the same time, or being off your phone during mealtimes or around your kids. Sometimes the smaller goals push you the most, and somehow make you realize how much of a blessing the small and simple things can bring to your life.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”

McKenna Sanders

The Mom, Wife, Dream Life Blog

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