The Mom, Wife, Dream Life

Listening doesn’t always come easily, especially when we aren’t in the mood to cooperate. Maybe we want to show who’s boss or simply remain the stubborn little kid we were told we were. 

Whatever it may be, listening helps accomplish so many things. Being and seeking to become a better listener will help you understand more of what the other person is feeling. I’ve learned this in my marriage numerous times, and I’ve learned this over and over again as a mom. Listening is the key to effective communication. It opens the door for more understanding of both people’s viewpoints. 

Is it difficult to listen?

Listening takes a lot of hard work sometimes, especially when we are overstimulated, overwhelmed, or simply “not in the mood.” My marriage has taught me many things about being a good listener, and I often forget to follow the steps to better understand my sweet, sweet husband. Thankfully, I am reminded by him as he wants to be a good listener to me as well. We remind each other, it’s how we stay connected, and fully aware of what the other is trying to say. I use these same steps in parenthood, not only with my husband, but with my children and even other people in my life. 

These are the key steps I take to be a better listener:

1. Want to hear: What I mean by this is you have to have the desire or want to hear what the other person, in this case your child, is saying. If you don’t care to hear them out, you are not practicing being a good listener. Having the desire to listen to them, regardless of your thoughts and feelings, offers them support. You must want to hear what they have to say, even if it hurts.
2. Allow for them to speak: This is exactly what you assume it means. This is not the time to butt in and cut them off. Let them speak, no matter what it makes you feel or think, you need to let them have a chance to explain what they are thinking and how they are feeling. This opens up the door for you to show you love them and you care about their opinions, their feelings, and what they are thinking about. You love them, so prove it to them by letting them speak and share what’s on their mind before you say anything.
3. Repeat it: Ethan and I learned this in our counseling sessions last year when we got some relationship communication help. You need to repeat back what the other person said, by saying something like this, “What I am hearing is that you feel ___, and you need ___. Did I get that right?” Acknowledging the other person’s feelings and what they said then allows you to be completely aware of them. This is when you can decide what you are going to say without being overbearing and creating assumptions based on your own emotions. 
4. Respond: Once you have a clear understanding of how they are feeling and what they are thinking, and you’ve made sure you understood by repeating back what they said, then you can respond accordingly. You can respond however you see fit, so long as it’s respectful, kind, and loving. Respond in words, in love, in actions, etc. However best to help your child know that you understood them and want to help them. You know your child best, so take that into account when responding.

How Can I Best Listen to My Children?

Maybe your child doesn’t speak yet, so they use physical reactions to get your attention and try to explain how they are feeling. If that is the case, before you say anything or react in any way, take a step back from the situation to gather your thoughts and emotions, and once your head is clear and you feel calm to respond, proceed accordingly. Responding to our children lovingly and respectfully, regardless of what they said or did, reminds them that we use gentle, kind, and loving ways to show one another love. 

For example, when my toddler decides she’s going to kick me while I’m sitting down nursing the baby, I simply look her in the eyes and softly but boldly say, “E, we do not kick Mom when she is nursing baby U, can you practice using gentle feet instead?” If she says no, I stand up and remove myself and baby U from the situation. I asked her, and if she refuses to follow what I had asked, then I won’t remain sitting by her at that time. Sometimes she gets upset and wants me to continue sitting by her, if that is the case, I tell her, “If you want me to sit down by you again, we need to remember to be gentle, and to be kind to each other by not kicking, can you do that?” Pretty much every time this happens, she says that she can, and we try again. 

How Can We Teach Our Children to Apologize?

Other times when we are trying to listen, we often need to apologize. If E has done something to hurt someone else, then she needs to apologize, and this is how we explain it to her.

Here is a little scenario for you on real-life situations that have happened in our home:

E: *Hits the dog with a toy*

Mom or Dad asks, “Did you hit Remi with a toy?”

E: She’s quite honest and says, “Yeah, I did!”

Mom or Dad: “E, we do not hit people or animals, can you please tell him you are sorry?”

E: “I’m sorry, Remi.”

Mom or Dad: “Good, now can you ask him to forgive you? Say, can you forgive me, Remi?”

E: “Can you forgive me, Remi?”

Mom or Dad: “Thank you, can you tell him that you love him?”

E: “I love you, Remi!”

Mom or Dad: “Good job, we must remember to be kind, and to be gentle to one another, and say sorry when we hurt someone else, okay? Can you do that?”

E: “Yeah!”

We must teach our children to say sorry, even if they didn’t necessarily mean to hurt someone else. This is the same expectation for us as parents, spouses, and individuals in general. No matter what we do in life, if we hurt someone else, we need to apologize to them. If it’s an accident, apologies are still appropriate and often appreciated by the other person. This is another great example of how we can listen to others by apologizing and also accepting another person’s apology if given. 

When we listen to our children, our spouse, or anyone else, we are showing them that we are emotionally ready to hear what they have to say. We are ready to have an appropriate and mature conversation about how we can better understand one another. Communication is critical in teaching, learning, growing, and ultimately becoming a better person. It paves the way to be successful and to see success in others. Listening is one of the first steps in this path to becoming a good communicator. It’s not always easy to listen, but it will be worth it to find solutions to better your relationship with your children, spouse, and others.

What Can I Learn From Listening?

Becoming a better listener ourselves teaches our children to do the same. This helps them become emotionally and mentally strong (If you want a good book to read about raising mentally strong children, this book is for you!). Individuals seeking to have strong communication skills as they grow older. This will benefit them at any age of life, and will continue to grow their minds in the best ways possible.

“Do not listen with the intent to reply, but with the intent to understand.”

McKenna Sanders

The Mom, Wife, Dream Life Blog

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